I am a wife and mother of 2 wonderful boys: a 3 year old and an 11 month old. It has taken me 4 years to say that with dignity and gratitude. 4 years of repenting, cleansing, molding before the Lord, to truly own up that role of a stay at home mother. 4 years to find complete and utter satisfaction in just being a mother, so much so that I cannot imagine doing anything that may bring me as much joy.
I was somewhat forced into this role. My husband and I moved to Europe right after our wedding. My husband began his doctoral studies, and I made plans to pursue my PhD as well. We had plans to travel Europe, and just be married and in love. We had some big dreams. It all came crashing down 2 months later, when I found out that I was pregnant with our first-born. I was shattered, terrified and confused. Why would God bring this upon us at this time? I barely had any idea of how to be a wife let alone a mother. I had many days and nights where I cried before the Lord out of sheer panic. My plans of pursuing a PhD flew out the window. Here I was, in a far away country that spoke another language I could not speak, away from my family and friends, alone, pregnant, throwing up and out of breath. What was to become of me? What am I going to do with all that education I had? How can I contribute to my family? Am I just going to depend on my husband?
If you look carefully, all those questions I had, were all about me. What I can do, my plans, my dreams, my effort. On Sundays I was singing “Lord, take my life and all I have and lead me in your ways”. Mondays, I was screaming “what about me?” No wonder I was panicking! God was not going to sit by and let me drown in my own selfishness, and pride. He loved me too much for that. He had a better plan.
“He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young”. (Isaiah 40:11)
My God, as He always is; never too early, never too late, but always on time. He showed up, in all my self-reliance, panic, confusion and morning sickness, and He spoke. He said 3 things that brought me more clarity and comfort, and any other. It was simple, as a father often says to a daughter; “I love you. I will help you, so you are going to be okay”. It was as loud as thunder, and felt as warm as a thick blanket on a cold winter’s day. I stopped panicking that day, and started thinking. I reminded my self, that God, my miraculous, kind, compassionate God is with me. He knows, He understands because He has been through it all. He is always with me in the unexpected, and the uncertain and so I need not fear. I am never alone. I never have to do anything on my own. God brings with Him his presence, His comfort and all the wisdom you need to equip you to handle whatever season He brings you.
The past 4 years has not been easy, but it has been the most rewarding. Those three words of love have been my banner, my shield, my weapon, and my comfort through everything motherhood and marriage has brought me thus far. Each moment of motherhood has brought me new revelations of God’s characteristics, new demonstrations of His Name. As I begin to share of those names He has revealed to me in those moments, it is my prayer that it may encourage another to cling on to God and the knowledge that He is always there. He loves you. It is He who guides you, He who equips you, He who shows you compassion. He is gentle and kind. It is from Him that you receive your help. He has showed you his love, through his son and what He did for you on the cross. Trust in Him, and trust in His love and all that it entails, and you will thrive as a mother. You will be satisfied. You will be fulfilled.
I am a wife and a stay at home mother. I am enough. I am satisfied. And He is glorified.