Ghosts in our Marriage

A voice tried to stop me from posting this but I am here writing this post. It was inspired by a course reading, Ghosts in the Nursery by Selma Fraiberg. I look forward to sharing what I learned from the article.

Growing up in Nigeria, the church emphasized the importance of “keeping the bed undefiled” Hebrews 13:4. There was so much talks about transference of spirits during sex, and it was implied that sexual purity was a key to long lasting marriage. The latter isn’t always true. Sexual abstinence before marriage will certainly prevent us from having soul ties and memories we don’t like but it doesn’t guarentee a long lasting marriage. Whether we get married with the bed undefiled or not, our marriages will most likely fail if we partner with other Ghosts apart from the Holy-ghost.

Based on scientific studies and experiences (personal and close observations), I will share two ghosts we bring into our marriages.

The Ghosts of Our Parents

Isn’t it sad that history repeats itself even when we say “I will never do that” or “I want something better for me and my children”? Why do most people who watched their parents fight constantly; watched their father get drunk and abused their mother; and noticed their mother or father obsessively control the home repeat the same thing. Why do they repeat their history of trauma despite desiring something better?

When we have no model of what a healthy marriage looks like, we may bring the ghost of our parent’s unhealthy marital relationship into our marriage. You can read more on inter-generational transmission of divorce here. When we suppress memories and emotions of childhood trauma, we are likely to repeat history. Read more about the effects of childhood trauma on adults.

How did you feel when mommy and daddy were fighting? How did you feel when mommy or daddy was a control freak? How did you feel when they divorced? We are less likely to repeat traumatic history if we remember those feelings, don’t suppress those memories, seek professional, forgive our parents, and bring those feelings before God.

Ghosts of our Exes

Ghosts from past relationships also find their way into our marriages. They show up in form of soul ties (read about soul-ties), fear that that your spouse will cheat just like your ex did, fear that he may one day beat you up like your ex did…..Fears, hurts, and pain from past relationships often find their way into our marriages.

Sadly, we unconsciously or consciously let them determine the extent we are willing to become vulnerable with our spouses. Can you relate with this? You are not alone and you are not helpless. Be free to tell God how you feel and more importantly, tell God you want freedom from fear, and confess your freedom. For a long time, I didn’t think it was okay to confess my fears to God because I don’t like negative confessions. I recently learned that it is okay to say “Father, I am scared and I need you to help me deal with my fears”. In addition, don’t be afraid to seek professional help or counseling. Ask God to lead you to the right counselor. He will not fail you.

For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

2 Corinthians 3:17

Declare your freedom today!

Thank you for visiting this blog.

PS: A reader suggested discussing marital fears with our spouse and go further by praying and declaring our victory over fear with our spouse. I agree. I have done that several times. It gives us the opportunity to be vulnerable before God and our spouses.

Matthew 18:19》I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you.

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  1. I used to not like to confess my fears to God either. I learned that even though God is not emotionary He can handle our emotions. He can handle our anger, doubt, fear, questions etc..God knows what is in our heart anyways so we should be honest. There is a difference between telling God how you feel and questioning His actions. For instances, “God I feel hurt” then let Him work it out.

  2. Well said, these are really the two ghost that enters and destroy marriages. I like how you wrote Out marriage will when we partner with other ghost apart fro the Holy Ghost. Confessing your fears to God is important as the Bible say cast all your cares upon him for he careth and also the Bible say in all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy path. The only thing I could add is that even though telling God is very important it would be good if both partners discuss these problem and start praying about it. This will cause them to defeat stronghold of the enemy that is coming down through generation

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